To say that sometimes life isn't quite what you expect it will be is quite an understatement. Growing up, while in my pre-teens and even teenage years, I always thought I'd find a high school sweetheart and marry him in my early 20s to then go on to have kids immediately after. I thought I'd have 3 kids all by the time I turn 30. Ha! Isn't it funny what we imagine when we are young?! I never had a high school sweetheart and didn't meet my soulmate until I was 23. We waited until we were financially ready to start our lives together before we got engaged. We both knew 3 weeks after having met and falling head over heels for one another that we wanted 3 kids together. But, we waited until we were stable enough with our jobs, house, cars, etc. before we started "trying" to have kids. Things haven't quite worked out as the fairytale I imagined as a 13 year old girl! But that's okay; that's life.
I have realized along the way that this fairytale does play out for other people, and makes that ugly 3 headed monster, Jealousy, make an appearance. Jealousy is an inevitable thing when someone else has what you want, especially when it's something that you really really want, and especially when it makes you feel like an outsider. For a long time I have felt like an outsider for not being able to have kids easily, or on the terms that I wanted, when so many people around me have. I even feel like an outsider due to the fact that aside from women in my support group, I don't know anyone who's had as many failed and unsuccessful attempts to have a baby as we've had. I know, poor me, right? No, what I mean is that it can be a lonely, lonely place here when it's me and the three headed monster who doesn't offer much support or empathy.
I can handle what I've been dealt. I've learned along the way that it's important to keep those in your life that are most important to you, those that will be the most supportive of you, and those that will love you unconditionally whether you are jealous, isolated, sad, mad, or anything else. When you aren't in this club, you don't know how it feels. I never knew how this would feel until I was fully submerged in this life. I knew what it was like to want a baby and not be able to have one 3 years ago when things weren't happening naturally. Then I knew what it felt like to have less invasive fertility treatments fail, and now I know what it's like to have a failed IVF. And let me tell you, it feels like shit sometimes. But I have found a "club" that I fit into, among my amazing friends I've met through a local support group. I know that I am normal when I hear that they all have felt what I feel and are living through what I am. That is very comforting, to say the least.
I love my new friends very much, and at the same time, I am trying to continue friendships with my old friends, most of which have children. This is a sensitive subject for me. It's hard, I'm sure, being the friend who has kids, whether it was easy or not to conceive, when you have an infertile friend in your group. I don't know how it feels to be on the other side, but I do know it feels really shitty to be on this side. It's hard to show up and to talk about other people's children, families and pregnancies. Does that make me a bad friend? Hell no! It makes me human! Me not asking doesn't mean I don't care, it probably means I can't get the words out without crying, and once I've started crying, the conversation becomes about me.
This process and the emotions that go along with it are not any easier now, 3 years into this process, than it was 1 year in. Showing empathy and compassion six months ago after my failed IVF doesn't get anyone off the hook for the next 6 months until the next one. We need sensitivity, understanding, compassion and love the whole way along this process. That may mean understanding why I can't make a baby shower, a family get together or just a girls night out. As far as conversations go, I try my hardest to show interest (because I am interested) in other people's children and families. Some days are harder than others to participate in these conversations. It's also harder for me with some people that it is with others, and I can't explain why. I know that being on the other side of this is very difficult. I'm sure it feels like I don't care about other peoples families, pregnancies, births, children, but that is far from the truth. I know it's tough to know what to say to me or if you should ask about what's going on, but clearly I am an open book about it. Because I'm an open book about my infertility and my journey, not asking is ignoring the subject, similar to how you feel I am ignoring your lives and children. It may be hard to ask me because you feel uncomfortable or awkward and don't know what to say, but please remember that's similar to how it feels on my side. This is an isolating thing, so being in a conversation about something I don't have and want badly is difficult, especially now that I have medications and hormones back on board! I know it goes both ways and this continues to be a work in progress for me, as I hope it can continue to be for those who are in my life and love me and my husband. As my friend, just remember, you don't have to feel guilty because you have kids and I don't. That is NOT what I'm going for. You just have to have empathy and compassion. You have to understand that this is my life just like your kids are your life. Remember I'm your friend and I want to be made part of the conversation and part of the group, not isolated from it. I need friendship now more than ever. We (infertile friends) don't expect friends or family to avoid talking about their families or that they feel guilt for having what they have. Just please remember to have sensitivity towards your friends who may feel isolated or like an outsider, and remember to try to include them in activities and conversations also about their lives and struggles, as they participate in conversations about your children and families. Please remember that silence can mean a lot of things, not always anger.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Holding pattern...
I haven't posted anything in while, so as I sit here drinking my Saturday morning coffee, I have decided to write a little something. I haven't had a new post because, in some respects, I am feeling 'okay' right now. Things had been pretty shitty for a long time (with respect to baby making), but I've accepted that it is what it is. We have made plans for our next IVF, which isn't until the fall, so from May to November we have been and still are in a holding pattern. It seemed like this 6 months would be an eternity way back in May when we made this decision, but time is flying by. 6 months is a LONG time to wait when you've been trying to have a baby for so long. I have finally started working at a second job, which I took on to make extra income to help fund our medical bills. That is definitely keeping me busy as well as stressing me out a bit, but at least it's something other than trying to have a baby that is a source of stress! I've committed to running a half marathon in October, which for now, will be my one and only half marathon. It will be my last hoorah before our IVF as I have to "cut waaaaaay back after that," (relative to exercise) as quoted via email by my RE nurse practitioner. So right now there is not much time to think about or stress about our lack of baby or pregnancy.
I still struggle emotionally with the constant pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, but I know those will continue to come. Having support from the ladies in my support group and from couples who are going through this as well helps me with these emotions. I have connected with new friends in the past few months and reconnected with old friends, all of which do not have babies for different reasons. Spending time with these friends has been amazing! We love our friends with kids, but until we are part of that "club," we also need social outings with others where we feel like we fit in. I think my husband and I are at a point where we have found a nice balance of the two. I've let go a little bit on the tight grip I had around our banking accounts and decided it's okay to live a little and spend money on things other than medical procedures, lab work, acupuncture, etc. I've been happier now that we are doing more (and buying more!). Who doesn't love a little retail therapy, within reason of course?!
That "what if?" has been in the back of my mind over these past few months. What if we just somehow get pregnant during these next few months? Wouldn't that be ironic, since we have paid for over half of the cost for our next cycle?! But then the logical side of my brain tells me to get real because I couldn't get pregnant without medication when I "naturally" conceived back in February 2012. I have heard about and read about women who have had this happen. I would feel so very blessed if it did, but I know that hanging onto this hope may lead to just as much stress, anxiety, and disappointment as all of our past failed treatment cycles have. So, for now, I have decided I am not going to go crazy eliminating "toxic" things from my diet and adding anything but all of the vitamins I have previously taken. I am invested in the process, but I personally won't go further than eliminating alcohol, caffeine, and exercise (which I have been told are the most significant relative to my current lifestyle) as we approach our next cycle. I applaud the women who try this naturally by overhauling their lifestyle by eliminating things such as fluoride, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc, but I would be a very unpleasant person if I did that, and I know myself, my husband and my coworkers (and patients!) would very much appreciate me not doing that!
So for now, I am working my tail off, enjoying my coffee and beer/wine, retail therapy, and high intensity exercise and patiently waiting for October to arrive when all the fun begins again! Hopefully there will be a baby (or 2) as a result at the end this time around!!
I still struggle emotionally with the constant pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, but I know those will continue to come. Having support from the ladies in my support group and from couples who are going through this as well helps me with these emotions. I have connected with new friends in the past few months and reconnected with old friends, all of which do not have babies for different reasons. Spending time with these friends has been amazing! We love our friends with kids, but until we are part of that "club," we also need social outings with others where we feel like we fit in. I think my husband and I are at a point where we have found a nice balance of the two. I've let go a little bit on the tight grip I had around our banking accounts and decided it's okay to live a little and spend money on things other than medical procedures, lab work, acupuncture, etc. I've been happier now that we are doing more (and buying more!). Who doesn't love a little retail therapy, within reason of course?!
That "what if?" has been in the back of my mind over these past few months. What if we just somehow get pregnant during these next few months? Wouldn't that be ironic, since we have paid for over half of the cost for our next cycle?! But then the logical side of my brain tells me to get real because I couldn't get pregnant without medication when I "naturally" conceived back in February 2012. I have heard about and read about women who have had this happen. I would feel so very blessed if it did, but I know that hanging onto this hope may lead to just as much stress, anxiety, and disappointment as all of our past failed treatment cycles have. So, for now, I have decided I am not going to go crazy eliminating "toxic" things from my diet and adding anything but all of the vitamins I have previously taken. I am invested in the process, but I personally won't go further than eliminating alcohol, caffeine, and exercise (which I have been told are the most significant relative to my current lifestyle) as we approach our next cycle. I applaud the women who try this naturally by overhauling their lifestyle by eliminating things such as fluoride, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc, but I would be a very unpleasant person if I did that, and I know myself, my husband and my coworkers (and patients!) would very much appreciate me not doing that!
So for now, I am working my tail off, enjoying my coffee and beer/wine, retail therapy, and high intensity exercise and patiently waiting for October to arrive when all the fun begins again! Hopefully there will be a baby (or 2) as a result at the end this time around!!
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Getting back out there...
This may be a post that doesn't, let's just say, make me any friends, but I care more about my own feelings and those of women like me, than I do about offending others today. A woman with infertility who yearns to have a child sheds thousands of tears over not being able to, pokes herself hundreds of times with needles to inject hormones, goes through surgeries to prepare or repair reproductive organs, and spends thousands or tens of thousands of dollars a cycle to do so, lives and breathes babies. Everything in our lives becomes about baby-making: lifestyle, food choices, physical activity, leisure activities, sex, sleep patterns, menstrual cycles. EVERYTHING! Living as a woman who is a "1" in the 1:8 ratio of couples experiencing infertility issues is not easy. I am envious and some days insanely jealous of pregnant women. It seems like I can't make it one day without seeing a pregnant woman. Women I work with and friends are on to their second and third pregnancies in the time span that I've been attempting to have one. So yes, I am jealous and feel entitled to own these feelings.
So that being said, for those women who have kids or are pregnant that love me or other women in your lives who are experiencing infertility, put yourselves in our shoes. This even applies to those who have women or friends in your lives who have chosen to live childless lives as a life choice without the influence of infertility. I'm not sure if "censor" is the right word, but for lack of a better word and racking my brain this early in the morning, I'll say sensor your comments and conversations. Before I elaborate I'll say that I am definitely guilty of talking about things that other people probably don't care about or want to talk about, and I am trying to be mindful of this. I try not to make every conversation with friends about my infertility struggles, unless they are the ones who ask. So at the same time, I ask that others "sensor" their conversations, at least around those women like me. I have avoided nights out with friends for months now because I have been afraid that I can't handle conversations about pregnancies, babies and family life. I finally am trying to come out of my hermit shell and live life a bit more, only to immediately want to retreat back into it after very little exposure to my old life. I don't expect my friends, most of which now have families, multiple children or currently are pregnant, to not talk about these aspects of their lives. Many of my girlfriends know I am interested to hear about it, and hopefully all know that I love their children and am beyond happy for them for their pregnancies. Many of my friends (both with children/pregnancies and without), a few of which I have spent time with very recently, have been wonderful. We have had hour-plus long conversations that were about all things life except their babies/pregnancies and my struggles. I am very grateful for these conversations and for these friends who ask about mine and my husband's life. A friend I recently saw said "how are things...well I know how things have been, but how is everything else? Work? Jason? Family?" THANK YOU FOR THIS little lady! I hope you know who you are. This happy hour conversation was refreshing!
Getting back to my point...I am at a difficult crossroads because I don't want to isolate myself from my friends, but I have found that many outings are more painful than positive for me. Hopefully my friends read this and understand, so that I don't have to have the same difficult conversation individually multiple times. I love you all, but it hurts to sit and try to smile and try to be happy when everything happening and being discussed is what I yearn for and can't have. I can handle small doses of it, but after a while I have to have conversations about other things (work, shopping, movies, sports, anything else!). Again, I do very much acknowledge and appreciate the attempts to steer conversations this way. Just please be mindful that my silence and lack of participation in conversation is often because it is painful. It is painful to listen to talk about how cute so-and-so is, when it's time to breast feed or pump, how hard it is to sleep because your kids keep you awake, or anything else that may be a change, positive or considered an inconvenience as a result of children. I would trade lives any time with any of you for this. I would donate an organ if it meant I could experience pregnancy and have my own baby. So again, please don't read this the wrong way but rather understand where I am coming from, or where your friends and their husbands or partners are coming from. Please understand that we still cherish friendships, but that being left behind the baby train is a very dark, sad and isolating place. We need support from friends and family and conversations about life aside from babies or lack of babies, at least intermittently. Again, obviously "normal" conversations for many have shifted to talking about those things that infertile or childless people can't relate to. All I ask and want to relay is that people are made aware of this, of the feelings women like me are experiencing, and of our desire to be a part of our friends' and family member's lives just as much as we were before our infertility began.
So that being said, for those women who have kids or are pregnant that love me or other women in your lives who are experiencing infertility, put yourselves in our shoes. This even applies to those who have women or friends in your lives who have chosen to live childless lives as a life choice without the influence of infertility. I'm not sure if "censor" is the right word, but for lack of a better word and racking my brain this early in the morning, I'll say sensor your comments and conversations. Before I elaborate I'll say that I am definitely guilty of talking about things that other people probably don't care about or want to talk about, and I am trying to be mindful of this. I try not to make every conversation with friends about my infertility struggles, unless they are the ones who ask. So at the same time, I ask that others "sensor" their conversations, at least around those women like me. I have avoided nights out with friends for months now because I have been afraid that I can't handle conversations about pregnancies, babies and family life. I finally am trying to come out of my hermit shell and live life a bit more, only to immediately want to retreat back into it after very little exposure to my old life. I don't expect my friends, most of which now have families, multiple children or currently are pregnant, to not talk about these aspects of their lives. Many of my girlfriends know I am interested to hear about it, and hopefully all know that I love their children and am beyond happy for them for their pregnancies. Many of my friends (both with children/pregnancies and without), a few of which I have spent time with very recently, have been wonderful. We have had hour-plus long conversations that were about all things life except their babies/pregnancies and my struggles. I am very grateful for these conversations and for these friends who ask about mine and my husband's life. A friend I recently saw said "how are things...well I know how things have been, but how is everything else? Work? Jason? Family?" THANK YOU FOR THIS little lady! I hope you know who you are. This happy hour conversation was refreshing!
Getting back to my point...I am at a difficult crossroads because I don't want to isolate myself from my friends, but I have found that many outings are more painful than positive for me. Hopefully my friends read this and understand, so that I don't have to have the same difficult conversation individually multiple times. I love you all, but it hurts to sit and try to smile and try to be happy when everything happening and being discussed is what I yearn for and can't have. I can handle small doses of it, but after a while I have to have conversations about other things (work, shopping, movies, sports, anything else!). Again, I do very much acknowledge and appreciate the attempts to steer conversations this way. Just please be mindful that my silence and lack of participation in conversation is often because it is painful. It is painful to listen to talk about how cute so-and-so is, when it's time to breast feed or pump, how hard it is to sleep because your kids keep you awake, or anything else that may be a change, positive or considered an inconvenience as a result of children. I would trade lives any time with any of you for this. I would donate an organ if it meant I could experience pregnancy and have my own baby. So again, please don't read this the wrong way but rather understand where I am coming from, or where your friends and their husbands or partners are coming from. Please understand that we still cherish friendships, but that being left behind the baby train is a very dark, sad and isolating place. We need support from friends and family and conversations about life aside from babies or lack of babies, at least intermittently. Again, obviously "normal" conversations for many have shifted to talking about those things that infertile or childless people can't relate to. All I ask and want to relay is that people are made aware of this, of the feelings women like me are experiencing, and of our desire to be a part of our friends' and family member's lives just as much as we were before our infertility began.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Support
Support for someone with infertility who is trying to start a family comes in many different forms. Sometimes the best support is a hug without the exchange of any words. Sometimes it is from someone who asks how are you doing and lends an ear so you can spill everything. Other times, it's from someone who will hug you or hold you while you sob. I've been able to experience each of these various forms of support, among many others, on our long and difficult journey. One of my favorites is a bag of my favorite candy after a bad day (my co-worker has that one nailed!) :)
I love that I have support from friends, family, co-workers and even acquaintances, but nothing compares to the support I've recently gained by attending a local support group. I love my friends very much and appreciate their support and love for us, but there is something very different about having support from someone, even someone I've just met, who is walking this marathon journey right along with me. I know that my tears are truly understood by them, and my pain has likely been shared by them.
I was a little nervous about going to this support group for the first time. I should have gone in May, which was the first meeting that followed the infertility conference I attended in April. But I told myself, stupidly, that my IVF in May would work and I wouldn't need to go. I regret not having attended the group the week of our egg retrieval because I would have loved to have support from these women during this difficult time. I would have had even more shoulders to lean on when the unfortunate and devastating news came that our cycle failed. But, you live and learn, and I attended in June and am so happy that I did!
It was amazing to meet so many women who are in my shoes. However, at the same time, it's sad to see how many of us there are that are going through this. It was nice to be somewhere where everyone really knows where the tears are coming from. Seeing someone cry while sharing their story brings tears to another's eyes because we have walked in those shoes or are currently, and we truly know the pain that the woman is feeling as she cries. Many women are in different stages of the process but we all share a common goal and a common painful and arduous journey to attain that goal.
I feel like I have and will gain many new friendships from the support group and already can't wait to go back next month. It's nice to have an outlet to vent about things these women might understand while my other friends may not. Again, I don't want to sound like I don't love my other friends and whole-heartedly appreciate their support, but it's just comforting to have friends who can truly relate to my emotions and my situation.
So here's a big "THANK YOU" to everyone in my life and my husband's life who loves and supports us on our journey. We appreciate you all individually and all of the support you offer us! And thank you to my new friends for accepting me into the support group and for offering me your friendship and support!!
I love that I have support from friends, family, co-workers and even acquaintances, but nothing compares to the support I've recently gained by attending a local support group. I love my friends very much and appreciate their support and love for us, but there is something very different about having support from someone, even someone I've just met, who is walking this marathon journey right along with me. I know that my tears are truly understood by them, and my pain has likely been shared by them.
I was a little nervous about going to this support group for the first time. I should have gone in May, which was the first meeting that followed the infertility conference I attended in April. But I told myself, stupidly, that my IVF in May would work and I wouldn't need to go. I regret not having attended the group the week of our egg retrieval because I would have loved to have support from these women during this difficult time. I would have had even more shoulders to lean on when the unfortunate and devastating news came that our cycle failed. But, you live and learn, and I attended in June and am so happy that I did!
It was amazing to meet so many women who are in my shoes. However, at the same time, it's sad to see how many of us there are that are going through this. It was nice to be somewhere where everyone really knows where the tears are coming from. Seeing someone cry while sharing their story brings tears to another's eyes because we have walked in those shoes or are currently, and we truly know the pain that the woman is feeling as she cries. Many women are in different stages of the process but we all share a common goal and a common painful and arduous journey to attain that goal.
I feel like I have and will gain many new friendships from the support group and already can't wait to go back next month. It's nice to have an outlet to vent about things these women might understand while my other friends may not. Again, I don't want to sound like I don't love my other friends and whole-heartedly appreciate their support, but it's just comforting to have friends who can truly relate to my emotions and my situation.
So here's a big "THANK YOU" to everyone in my life and my husband's life who loves and supports us on our journey. We appreciate you all individually and all of the support you offer us! And thank you to my new friends for accepting me into the support group and for offering me your friendship and support!!
Friday, May 23, 2014
Am I awake or am I dreaming?
Today has been a crazy day for my emotions. Okay, no that's a lie; the last 2-3 days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Today was the BIG day. It was the day of our beta blood pregnancy test. I'd say that for the first half of our 10 day wait I was mentally in the mode of "okay, I am totally going to be pregnant...this is definitely going to work...oh my gosh, we are going to have twins!" Then the second half of the 10 day wait I started getting nervous. And I did end up caving. Shhh...my husband doesn't know this (well he does now). Yes, I am weak and I couldn't take it. I really kinda thought it was going to work so I took a fancy schmancy digital Clear Blue pregnancy test yesterday on 9dp5dt (9 days post 5 day embryo transfer) and got BFN (for most of you who don't know all the lingo that means BIG FAT NEGATIVE). But I was resilient, threw it away and mostly brushed it off saying "you know what, it's just too early." I told myself it could still be positive because that certainly is true. Then I thought about it a bit more and realized this was just one day before the blood test and that if this advanced fancy schmancy digital test says BFN, then it probably is so.
So fast forward to today...I woke up feeling a little anxious but still hopeful, knowing well that even with a negative urine test I could be pregnant. So when I went in at 8AM I confessed to the RN who drew my blood what I had done. With her typical flat affect she said, "well it could still be positive so we'll see." But I left feeling anxious and still feeling in my heart that it didn't work. I spent my day off trying to keep my head clear. I went to the cemetery and spent some time talking to Grandma about how much this sucks and how I wish she were still here to talk to and make me feel better, because she always knew what to say to make us feel better. She was the most devout Catholic I knew and still know. I was hoping that she could pull some strings for me up above so I put in my request. After about 20 minutes and lots of tears with Grandma I went on with my day. I ran errands, walked my dogs and laid at the pool. Then as the afternoon hours came, I began to wonder even more, "maybe she is calling all the positives first and saving the negatives for later" because I had really expected the call by 2 and it was now 2:30.
Then, the phone call came but went to voicemail because I didn't hear it. My husband and I listened together. I knew instantly from the tone in the nurse's voice that it was what I had dreaded. All we listened to was "I'm so sorry, your test was negative" and my husband grabbed the phone and deleted it to make it stop as I started sobbing. My sobbing continued for a few minutes, then we sobbed together and then we sat in silence and made a few texts and phone calls. We both processed what this meant and I soon after emailed the nurse to ask a few questions so we can start planning our next move.
Now I sit as we prepare to go out to eat and have a drink (or 5), and it feels so surreal to me. I really feel like it all had to have been a bad dream. I threw away the meds that I had hung onto in the fridge that can't be re-used, took all the pill bottles out of the bathroom and removed all of the needles, which are now replaced with tampons in preparation for what I expect to be one hell of a vicious period (I know, TMI but deal with it because I have to!). But seriously, it does feel like none of it happened. It feels like all of the months of drug prep, tests, scans, surgeries, hospital visits are all a blur and a distant bad dream. But then I look at our savings account and I'm reminded with a slap in the face to wake up because it very much happened.
I have now resolved to move on. I am still letting go of tears every once in a while, but I think that is just going to happen for the next few hours or days. I have already made a follow-up appointment with the doctor and have asked his nurse practicioner a few key questions so we can start planning. I know we should grieve and deal with it, but we will. The best way for me to grieve is to move on. I am very much a Type A personality and a planner, so I immediately started evaluating our life situation, plans, goals, and finances, and we have begun discussing our plan of attack (which is yet to be decided at this point in time for those wondering).
So here were are, all the way back at square one, or what feels like negative 10. But we have resolved to take this in stride, deal with it and move forward. We appreciate all of the thoughts, concern, positive vibes, and prayers from everyone. We welcome for those to be continued into the future as well. We WILL become parents, we just don't know exactly when or how we are going to make that happen. So for now we will continue to live as a family of 4 with our 2 loving fur-kids and live vicariously through our friends by playing the role of Aunt Courtney and Uncle Jason, until the day that we can finally be Mommy and Daddy.
So fast forward to today...I woke up feeling a little anxious but still hopeful, knowing well that even with a negative urine test I could be pregnant. So when I went in at 8AM I confessed to the RN who drew my blood what I had done. With her typical flat affect she said, "well it could still be positive so we'll see." But I left feeling anxious and still feeling in my heart that it didn't work. I spent my day off trying to keep my head clear. I went to the cemetery and spent some time talking to Grandma about how much this sucks and how I wish she were still here to talk to and make me feel better, because she always knew what to say to make us feel better. She was the most devout Catholic I knew and still know. I was hoping that she could pull some strings for me up above so I put in my request. After about 20 minutes and lots of tears with Grandma I went on with my day. I ran errands, walked my dogs and laid at the pool. Then as the afternoon hours came, I began to wonder even more, "maybe she is calling all the positives first and saving the negatives for later" because I had really expected the call by 2 and it was now 2:30.
Then, the phone call came but went to voicemail because I didn't hear it. My husband and I listened together. I knew instantly from the tone in the nurse's voice that it was what I had dreaded. All we listened to was "I'm so sorry, your test was negative" and my husband grabbed the phone and deleted it to make it stop as I started sobbing. My sobbing continued for a few minutes, then we sobbed together and then we sat in silence and made a few texts and phone calls. We both processed what this meant and I soon after emailed the nurse to ask a few questions so we can start planning our next move.
Now I sit as we prepare to go out to eat and have a drink (or 5), and it feels so surreal to me. I really feel like it all had to have been a bad dream. I threw away the meds that I had hung onto in the fridge that can't be re-used, took all the pill bottles out of the bathroom and removed all of the needles, which are now replaced with tampons in preparation for what I expect to be one hell of a vicious period (I know, TMI but deal with it because I have to!). But seriously, it does feel like none of it happened. It feels like all of the months of drug prep, tests, scans, surgeries, hospital visits are all a blur and a distant bad dream. But then I look at our savings account and I'm reminded with a slap in the face to wake up because it very much happened.
I have now resolved to move on. I am still letting go of tears every once in a while, but I think that is just going to happen for the next few hours or days. I have already made a follow-up appointment with the doctor and have asked his nurse practicioner a few key questions so we can start planning. I know we should grieve and deal with it, but we will. The best way for me to grieve is to move on. I am very much a Type A personality and a planner, so I immediately started evaluating our life situation, plans, goals, and finances, and we have begun discussing our plan of attack (which is yet to be decided at this point in time for those wondering).
So here were are, all the way back at square one, or what feels like negative 10. But we have resolved to take this in stride, deal with it and move forward. We appreciate all of the thoughts, concern, positive vibes, and prayers from everyone. We welcome for those to be continued into the future as well. We WILL become parents, we just don't know exactly when or how we are going to make that happen. So for now we will continue to live as a family of 4 with our 2 loving fur-kids and live vicariously through our friends by playing the role of Aunt Courtney and Uncle Jason, until the day that we can finally be Mommy and Daddy.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
The Waiting Game...
Today I sit on my couch, now on day one of post embryo transfer of our IVF cycle. Today I have been reflecting back on our journey up to this point and replaying the events of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer in my head. It's one of those feelings like after you go on a vacation and you just want to make sure you remember all of the details and fun parts of your trip. I remember being wheeled to the OR, passing all of the surgeons, RNs and other OR staff along the way. I remember passing by my doctor on the way into the room, looking up and smiling at him as he asked if we are ready. I felt like I wanted to cry because I was so excited. Our hopes and dreams of becoming parents could be one step closer to coming true! That was quite a build up of emotions I was feeling!
Now that the replay is over and we have our fun pictures to look back on of us gowned up and ready for surgery, we move on to the next phase of the process. This phase is "the wait." Women in my situation know all about that dreaded Two Week Wait. I am so used to this waiting period by now that I haven't yet decided if this will feel different than the wait in our past years of our journey, or if it will kick in some time soon that this may in fact be a much more stressful and worrisome wait. Right now, as we speak, I am on day 2 of vegetating on my couch while listening to my husband and father-in-law bang away at siding outside of our house. I feel as though I am staying very level headed and have told myself not to over-analyze every twinge, cramp, or funny feeling. We did find out this morning that our final remaining embryo did not survive to make it to the freezing process. So, pun intended, all of our eggs are in this basket! I am trying to stay relaxed, still and level-headed and hoping I can carry this forward for the remainder of my 10 day wait (we get the luxury of a shorter wait due to the scheduled blood pregnancy test!). So it has yet to be decided how my emotions will surface or change over the next 9 days of waiting.
I am sure every woman handles the wait differently. I myself historically am an overeager and compulsive tester. For some reason, sometimes it seems like the more tests you take that maybe just once there will be a positive. I currently have no pregnancy tests in my house and being couch-ridden at this time, there is no chance of me sneaking out to get any. I plan to stick it out the whole 10 days until our blood test is scheduled. We shall see if I can make it! So that's all for now...
Now that the replay is over and we have our fun pictures to look back on of us gowned up and ready for surgery, we move on to the next phase of the process. This phase is "the wait." Women in my situation know all about that dreaded Two Week Wait. I am so used to this waiting period by now that I haven't yet decided if this will feel different than the wait in our past years of our journey, or if it will kick in some time soon that this may in fact be a much more stressful and worrisome wait. Right now, as we speak, I am on day 2 of vegetating on my couch while listening to my husband and father-in-law bang away at siding outside of our house. I feel as though I am staying very level headed and have told myself not to over-analyze every twinge, cramp, or funny feeling. We did find out this morning that our final remaining embryo did not survive to make it to the freezing process. So, pun intended, all of our eggs are in this basket! I am trying to stay relaxed, still and level-headed and hoping I can carry this forward for the remainder of my 10 day wait (we get the luxury of a shorter wait due to the scheduled blood pregnancy test!). So it has yet to be decided how my emotions will surface or change over the next 9 days of waiting.
I am sure every woman handles the wait differently. I myself historically am an overeager and compulsive tester. For some reason, sometimes it seems like the more tests you take that maybe just once there will be a positive. I currently have no pregnancy tests in my house and being couch-ridden at this time, there is no chance of me sneaking out to get any. I plan to stick it out the whole 10 days until our blood test is scheduled. We shall see if I can make it! So that's all for now...
Sunday, April 20, 2014
DRUGS
The fun is about to begin!! And by fun I mean I start taking lots and lots of drugs. I knew there would be a lot of drugs involved in an IVF cycle, but holy crap, I have a lot of drugs piling up around here! Oh yeah, and I have LOTS of needles. When my last box of meds came via UPS the other day, I pulled out everything I have so far and realized just how much it is. It kind of hit me; holy crap, we are really doing this. We aren't just talking about it and thinking about it and waiting for it; it's here!!
IVF is not for the faint of heart, that is for certain. Thank goodness I am not afraid of needles!! And thank goodness my physician's office is super organized and provides every IVF couple with their own specific calendar listing which medications to take, when to take them, and how much to take. I am a very organized type A sort of person, but I know that even with my neurotic lists and methods of organization even I would get confused about what I am doing with all these drugs. I have come to the realization that for about 2 weeks, my belly will become a human pincushion due to the 4x daily injections and needle sticks I will be taking/doing. Yikes!! Again, very thankful that I am not afraid of needles!
Why so many drugs, some people may ask or wonder? My nurse practitioner explained it well at our IVF class. She said that they are no longer boosting my body's natural hormones, as they had during timed cycles or cycles of IUI (intrauterine insemination). They are now providing my body with the hormones it needs and the amounts it needs to prepare for our IVF cycle. My hormones were brought to baseline so that now we can start from scratch to make them increase, decrease, etc. as they are supposed during a "normal" cycle. But we are hoping to produce lots and lots of eggs by overriding my body's "typical" hormones (and hopefully a good one or two at least will be in that batch). Many people have asked as I've mentioned what we are doing as our next step, "what exactly is IVF?" So, for those wondering, I'll give a brief explanation, because until recently I knew very little about it as well.
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| So many drugs!! |
Why so many drugs, some people may ask or wonder? My nurse practitioner explained it well at our IVF class. She said that they are no longer boosting my body's natural hormones, as they had during timed cycles or cycles of IUI (intrauterine insemination). They are now providing my body with the hormones it needs and the amounts it needs to prepare for our IVF cycle. My hormones were brought to baseline so that now we can start from scratch to make them increase, decrease, etc. as they are supposed during a "normal" cycle. But we are hoping to produce lots and lots of eggs by overriding my body's "typical" hormones (and hopefully a good one or two at least will be in that batch). Many people have asked as I've mentioned what we are doing as our next step, "what exactly is IVF?" So, for those wondering, I'll give a brief explanation, because until recently I knew very little about it as well.
As mentioned above, medications I've been taking for the past month (Estrogen pills) basically baseline my hormones. This calendar was the "Estrogen Priming" phase. We started adding in pills I take by mouth, along the all the vitamins I've taken for the past 2 years. The pills are introducing the hormone progesterone. Soon I go in for a baseline ultrasound and lab work to make sure my hormones are where they need to be and that my ovaries have not started to produce eggs yet. Then we being the "Flare" phase. Sounds exciting, right?! In the "Flare" phase I begin injections that will override what my brain should be doing and directly telling my lazy ovaries to work their asses off to make some eggs. So my ovaries may become enlarged due to what I hope will be LOTS of eggs being formed (actually the follices that house the eggs). I take medications to keep my body from ovulating these eggs until they get to be just the right size (detected via multiple days of ultrasounds and labs). Once they are just right, I take a medication that stimulates my ovulation, or release of the eggs, but instead of letting that happen, the doctor goes in and surgically removes the follices, which hopefully contain the eggs. They won't know until they remove them if there was in fact an egg in the follicle or just fluid. After that, the embryologist closely inspects the eggs under a microscope to pick the best quality eggs (at least from what they can tell). They also pick the best sperm (as the nurse said, "they won't pick the ones with two heads or the ones that are swimming in circles"). They inject them directly into the eggs so there is not much work that has to be done. Then the embryologist monitors them daily for 5 days. We will receive a phone call every morning that tells us first how many eggs can be used and then how many embyros have survived. I am not at all looking forward to those calls. We pray and hope that several survive so that 2 can be put back in me and the rest, if any, can be frozen. So back to drugs...There are more drugs on a third calendar of which the title has not yet been revealed to me, but I guess it is likely "Fertilization" or something of that nature. The drugs on this calendar provide me with the hormones my body needs to prepare my uterus for the embyro and to support the early stages of pregnancy.
Wow! It's so amazing what modern medicine can do, isn't it?!?! I know this may be boring to a lot of people, but I find it fascinating. I also know that many people who care about us want to know where we are in the process and what the term IVF even means. So there you have it. Again I'm left hoping and praying that this will be our solution. We need and are accepting ALL the prayers and positive vibes anyone is willing to extend our way. Be thinking of this human pincushion in the next few weeks as my husband and I continue on our journey to have a baby!!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Is it you or is it him?
This is a question I was recently asked. "Do you mind if I ask...is it you or is it him?" Is this an appropriate question? I'd say no. Do I mind answering it? Not at all. There's so much more to it than people realize until you really read or learn about all that goes into having a baby. There are so many factors. But yes, it does typically boil down to male factor or female factor. I know this question was asked simply out of curiosity during a conversation and not meant to be anything but inquisitive, but it has got me thinking. I'm sure a lot of people wonder this. I used to be one of those people wondering about others in my shoes. It's normal for people to be inquisitive. Obviously through publicly sharing my story and journey, I don't have issues answering those kinds of questions. I know some people think this is a private matter, but for me it no longer is, and I feel so much better about it now that it isn't.
I think I can speak for both myself and my husband when I say this, it is an US problem. We both would give anything for me to experience pregnancy and to expand our small family. We both crave the days that we can see my belly growing and feel little baby kicks, sharing those moments together. At the same time, we also both married one another because we love each other for who one another is, without the babies or pregnant belly or anything else. I love him for the person he was when we met, the man he is now and the man I know he will be as we grow old together. We love each other and our two-person, two-fur-kid family as it is right now, until we are able to expand it. We've both learned that just like we vowed in front of our friends and family, we will stand beside one another in hard times too. This definitely is one hard time, probably of many, that we will go through together. So yes, this is an US battle and not a "him" or a "her" problem.
It's easy to blame someone for something. Everyone does it. Even we do it. That's part of marriage..."You forgot to empty the trash so now it smells...You didn't wipe the dogs feet so now the couch is muddy." That's the kind of blaming that we do. I thank God every day that I don't have to feel blamed for our struggles. That would be very easy to do, but that doesn't happen here. I feel down on myself and pissed at my body for not doing what it should, and my husband knows that, so additional feelings of blame would do me no good (or our marriage for that matter). We could definitely let this tear us down, but I'm so glad we haven't let it. We trudge along hoping that the doctor knows best and that medicine and technology will do it's part, and we try to pray. But we do not blame.
I am eternally grateful to have support from friends, especially those who have or are experiencing this, from my co-workers and from our families. But most of all, I am grateful to my husband that we are on the same team and that team is US.
I think I can speak for both myself and my husband when I say this, it is an US problem. We both would give anything for me to experience pregnancy and to expand our small family. We both crave the days that we can see my belly growing and feel little baby kicks, sharing those moments together. At the same time, we also both married one another because we love each other for who one another is, without the babies or pregnant belly or anything else. I love him for the person he was when we met, the man he is now and the man I know he will be as we grow old together. We love each other and our two-person, two-fur-kid family as it is right now, until we are able to expand it. We've both learned that just like we vowed in front of our friends and family, we will stand beside one another in hard times too. This definitely is one hard time, probably of many, that we will go through together. So yes, this is an US battle and not a "him" or a "her" problem.
It's easy to blame someone for something. Everyone does it. Even we do it. That's part of marriage..."You forgot to empty the trash so now it smells...You didn't wipe the dogs feet so now the couch is muddy." That's the kind of blaming that we do. I thank God every day that I don't have to feel blamed for our struggles. That would be very easy to do, but that doesn't happen here. I feel down on myself and pissed at my body for not doing what it should, and my husband knows that, so additional feelings of blame would do me no good (or our marriage for that matter). We could definitely let this tear us down, but I'm so glad we haven't let it. We trudge along hoping that the doctor knows best and that medicine and technology will do it's part, and we try to pray. But we do not blame.
I am eternally grateful to have support from friends, especially those who have or are experiencing this, from my co-workers and from our families. But most of all, I am grateful to my husband that we are on the same team and that team is US.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
What's so scary about a baby?
A while back I had to explain to my husband exactly what makes it difficult sometimes to be around our friends and family with babies, toddlers or those who are pregnant. It was difficult for him to understand why family dinners, birthday parties, and other gatherings were not particularly enjoyable for me. I've been told that I didn't have to be around the baby if I didn't want to or if it would be too hard. Let me explain myself on this topic...The baby isn't what is difficult to be around. The precious, innocent, adorable little baby is not the hard part. I've told my friends that we will babysit any time. I could sit and hold a baby all day long! But at the same time, there are some times that holding someone else's newborn can be tough. What is difficult is that as I'm smiling while holding someone else's adorable, precious little baby, inside I feel heartbroken that it isn't my adorable, precious little baby. Despite this feeling, I still love holding a precious little one. Who doesn't?! I have to get my baby snuggles in where I can! Getting back to what I was saying before, it's not the baby that's difficult to be around, it is all the people going crazy over the baby. It's the parents, grandparents, friends, family, etc. that make every baby sound, baby movement or anything otherwise baby the topic of conversation and go crazy over it. It's the constant photo snapping, baby passing and conversation interrupting (to comment on what cute action is happening now) during get togethers that is difficult to be around. I get that this is how it is and it's what is normal, but that doesn't make it easier to be around. I know that when we have children it will be this way with friends and family, but right now, sometimes I just have to avoid these get-togethers and social gatherings on days when I know I can't put on the happy face and deal with it. I'm happy for our friends that are expecting, but I still have a difficult time hearing about doctor's appointments, baby kicks, or preparations for pending arrivals. Unfortunately, this is kind of the typical topic of conversation these days among friends as I am now more of the minority being without kids or expecting one currently. So yes, on days when I can't put on a happy face, I will bow out of social gatherings that put me in these uncomfortable scenarios. But as we keep moving forward in our journey towards having a family, I am moving to a level of acceptance. I do still get frustrated and sad obviously, which are totally normal emotions for this experience, but I've come to accept where we are with everything and what we may have to do to move forward. This acceptance should help me move forward sharing in other people's journeys to have families or with those who already have them, without feeling too upset or emotional being around it. This conversation and sharing these emotions with my husband was a great day for me. It felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders since he could finally see it from my perspective and truly understand why I said certain things or acted certain ways with family and friends. You don't get it until you are in the shoes that experience it, which was true for me before this all started. A week ago I had a great conversation with a close girlfriend who is also trying to have a baby. It was nice to hear that my emotions are shared by others and reaffirmed what I already knew, that it's okay to be mad, sad, pissed off, jealous, hopeless and many other things. It's all part of it and there's nothing wrong with all of us women on this journey feeling and expressing those emotions. It doesn't mean we need therapy or drugs to manage them. We need friends who are willing to listen, support from friends, family, and other women in the same situation, and faith.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
"Normal"
"If you were "normal" you wouldn't be here." This is the response I received from the sonographer at my RE's office during a routine, beginning of the cycle, visit when I asked a question about what she saw on my scan. I have heard this more than once when I've asked basic questions like "what is normal?" relative to number of follicles and follicle size as we are beginning a treatment cycle. I don't blame her for being blunt and being direct with me, but that comment has stuck with me. I get that "normal" women just show up for sonograms and hear a heartbeat or see a fetus rather than look at what is there to possibly produce an egg or a potential baby. So I am thinking why the f*# should I be considered anything but normal? Why should the other women be the ones considered "normal"? So I don't have the perfect ovaries and reproductive system of a 30 year old for whatever f'ed up reason. Why should I or women like me be the abnormals??? Why shouldn't it be the other way around that those women who have "whoopsies," have 1 month or even 6 months of trying to conceive, or even those who have 1-2 months of some oral meds to help jump-start things, to be considered abnormal? I really wonder and wish I knew more about the number of women out there that are like me. I feel like we are eachother's only true support system as we are the only ones who truly know what we are experiencing being the "abnormal" women trying to conceive. Not only does this suck enough having to forgo the "normal" pregnancy experience of "trying" or having a "whoopsie," missing a period, resulting in the decision to test, and getting that unexpected and exciting positive pregnancy test, but us "abnormal women" are the ones who pump full of meds, have multiple office visits, scheduled sex or artificial inseminations, and then test compulsively often only to receive negative test after negative test. I am so pissed off at this point that I have to feel this and go through this and other people don't. I don't wish this on others, and I know that this is what it sounds like. BUT, I seriously would never wish what my husband and are going through on even my worst enemy. But I do wish that there was some way that other people could actually empathize with us rather than just sympathize. I have to pretend to be strong, happy, and excited for everyone else who is "normal" and no one can even begin to understand or empathize with what I feel. It's so messed up! I know that putting my emotions into words on a page won't fix anything but at least it releases a bit of my frustration. I am determined not only to somehow start the family that my husband and I have been ready for and deserving of for years, but I am determined to somehow help other women like me. WE are not "abnormal". We are forced to be stronger and more determined. I tell people openly about my experience in hopes that they will understand it and somehow help others that are experiencing the same thing. I know that our patience will somehow pay off in the future! When we finally have our baby, all of this bullshit will be totally worth it and forgotten, and "normal" will be a term that won't mean a thing!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Encouraging words
"When you leave here pregnant, you won't look at all of this as sperm and an egg...you'll see things differently." These are words my reproductive doctor used during our most recent consultation last week. "When..." It is only one word, but that one single word is giving me some hope. He didn't say "if" or "maybe." I have hung onto those words.
We had debated getting a second opinion from another physician or reproductive group and actually have an appointment scheduled, as we had assumed we would not be satisfied with my current physician's next plan of attack in our journey. But this is not the case. Our appointment began similar to the last two times we have consulted with him, or as I like to refer to it: going to the principle's office. I think of it this way because only those patients who have no success with the treatment regimen or have complications actually have to see him, otherwise all communication is via his nurse assistant and nurse practitioner. As the conversation continued, he told me I have "some bad markers" for a woman my age. Yes, yes, we have been over this. I know this already. But as the conversation moved on, he provided us with detailed information for what he would suggest us doing next. Much more detail than I had expected, and he answered my laundry list of questions. I don't feel like he gave us false hope, but he did send me away feeling hopeful. I almost made it out of the office without crying. One of these times I am determined to do this. There's just something about being there and having these conversations that doesn't allow me to keep my eyes dry. What brought tears to my eyes this visit were words I think I needed to hear from him: "You aren't here because you did anything wrong...nothing you did or didn't do put you in this situation..." This went on a bit more but the rest of the specifics are a blur. Of course I knew this deep down, but at times I do question if anything I have done could have caused this? Stress? Medication? But I finally heard what I needed to from the person that, in my eyes, really makes it count. I think this, in combination with his other positive words, smile and comforting side hug with the comments "stay positive" as I left, is what told me we are in the right place and we have chosen the right doctor. I know there are still many things that could go wrong or fail to work, but we know the next step is worth trying. I've gone from, one month ago, feeling like all is hopeless for us to ever have a baby to now again having hope. I will stay hopeful and keep positive thoughts that the next step will work, but if it doesn't I know we will keep moving on to do what we have to in order to have a baby.
The stakes keep getting higher but so do our chances of finally having a baby. I am putting my trust in the process and in this doctor and will follow his lead. For now, it will be back to business as usual. All of the mixed information from different sources about diet and exercise are out the window. I look forward to getting back to bootcamp and regular exercise. No more of this half-ass low intensity stuff or using all of this as an excuse to not exercise. Bootcamp at the gym and regular exercise keep my stress in check and get rid of emotional baggage, so I look forward to resuming that again! Deadlifts, here I come!
And for now I will keep hearing those words in my head "when you are pregnant" and use them as motivation.
We had debated getting a second opinion from another physician or reproductive group and actually have an appointment scheduled, as we had assumed we would not be satisfied with my current physician's next plan of attack in our journey. But this is not the case. Our appointment began similar to the last two times we have consulted with him, or as I like to refer to it: going to the principle's office. I think of it this way because only those patients who have no success with the treatment regimen or have complications actually have to see him, otherwise all communication is via his nurse assistant and nurse practitioner. As the conversation continued, he told me I have "some bad markers" for a woman my age. Yes, yes, we have been over this. I know this already. But as the conversation moved on, he provided us with detailed information for what he would suggest us doing next. Much more detail than I had expected, and he answered my laundry list of questions. I don't feel like he gave us false hope, but he did send me away feeling hopeful. I almost made it out of the office without crying. One of these times I am determined to do this. There's just something about being there and having these conversations that doesn't allow me to keep my eyes dry. What brought tears to my eyes this visit were words I think I needed to hear from him: "You aren't here because you did anything wrong...nothing you did or didn't do put you in this situation..." This went on a bit more but the rest of the specifics are a blur. Of course I knew this deep down, but at times I do question if anything I have done could have caused this? Stress? Medication? But I finally heard what I needed to from the person that, in my eyes, really makes it count. I think this, in combination with his other positive words, smile and comforting side hug with the comments "stay positive" as I left, is what told me we are in the right place and we have chosen the right doctor. I know there are still many things that could go wrong or fail to work, but we know the next step is worth trying. I've gone from, one month ago, feeling like all is hopeless for us to ever have a baby to now again having hope. I will stay hopeful and keep positive thoughts that the next step will work, but if it doesn't I know we will keep moving on to do what we have to in order to have a baby.
The stakes keep getting higher but so do our chances of finally having a baby. I am putting my trust in the process and in this doctor and will follow his lead. For now, it will be back to business as usual. All of the mixed information from different sources about diet and exercise are out the window. I look forward to getting back to bootcamp and regular exercise. No more of this half-ass low intensity stuff or using all of this as an excuse to not exercise. Bootcamp at the gym and regular exercise keep my stress in check and get rid of emotional baggage, so I look forward to resuming that again! Deadlifts, here I come!
And for now I will keep hearing those words in my head "when you are pregnant" and use them as motivation.
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