Is it you or is it him?

This is a question I was recently asked. "Do you mind if I ask...is it you or is it him?" Is this an appropriate question? I'd say no. Do I mind answering it? Not at all. There's so much more to it than people realize until you really read or learn about all that goes into having a baby. There are so many factors. But yes, it does typically boil down to male factor or female factor. I know this question was asked simply out of curiosity during a conversation and not meant to be anything but inquisitive, but it has got me thinking. I'm sure a lot of people wonder this. I used to be one of those people wondering about others in my shoes. It's normal for people to be inquisitive. Obviously through publicly sharing my story and journey, I don't have issues answering those kinds of questions. I know some people think this is a private matter, but for me it no longer is, and I feel so much better about it now that it isn't.

I think I can speak for both myself and my husband when I say this, it is an US problem. We both would give anything for me to experience pregnancy and to expand our small family. We both crave the days that we can see my belly growing and feel little baby kicks, sharing those moments together. At the same time, we also both married one another because we love each other for who one another is, without the babies or pregnant belly or anything else. I love him for the person he was when we met, the man he is now and the man I know he will be as we grow old together. We love each other and our two-person, two-fur-kid family as it is right now, until we are able to expand it. We've both learned that just like we vowed in front of our friends and family, we will stand beside one another in hard times too. This definitely is one hard time, probably of many, that we will go through together. So yes, this is an US battle and not a "him" or a "her" problem.

It's easy to blame someone for something. Everyone does it. Even we do it. That's part of marriage..."You forgot to empty the trash so now it smells...You didn't wipe the dogs feet so now the couch is muddy." That's the kind of blaming that we do. I thank God every day that I don't have to feel blamed for our struggles. That would be very easy to do, but that doesn't happen here. I feel down on myself and pissed at my body for not doing what it should, and my husband knows that, so additional feelings of blame would do me no good (or our marriage for that matter). We could definitely let this tear us down, but I'm so glad we haven't let it. We trudge along hoping that the doctor knows best and that medicine and technology will do it's part, and we try to pray. But we do not blame.

I am eternally grateful to have support from friends, especially those who have or are experiencing this, from my co-workers and from our families. But most of all, I am grateful to my husband that we are on the same team and that team is US.