Is it you or is it him?

This is a question I was recently asked. "Do you mind if I ask...is it you or is it him?" Is this an appropriate question? I'd say no. Do I mind answering it? Not at all. There's so much more to it than people realize until you really read or learn about all that goes into having a baby. There are so many factors. But yes, it does typically boil down to male factor or female factor. I know this question was asked simply out of curiosity during a conversation and not meant to be anything but inquisitive, but it has got me thinking. I'm sure a lot of people wonder this. I used to be one of those people wondering about others in my shoes. It's normal for people to be inquisitive. Obviously through publicly sharing my story and journey, I don't have issues answering those kinds of questions. I know some people think this is a private matter, but for me it no longer is, and I feel so much better about it now that it isn't.

I think I can speak for both myself and my husband when I say this, it is an US problem. We both would give anything for me to experience pregnancy and to expand our small family. We both crave the days that we can see my belly growing and feel little baby kicks, sharing those moments together. At the same time, we also both married one another because we love each other for who one another is, without the babies or pregnant belly or anything else. I love him for the person he was when we met, the man he is now and the man I know he will be as we grow old together. We love each other and our two-person, two-fur-kid family as it is right now, until we are able to expand it. We've both learned that just like we vowed in front of our friends and family, we will stand beside one another in hard times too. This definitely is one hard time, probably of many, that we will go through together. So yes, this is an US battle and not a "him" or a "her" problem.

It's easy to blame someone for something. Everyone does it. Even we do it. That's part of marriage..."You forgot to empty the trash so now it smells...You didn't wipe the dogs feet so now the couch is muddy." That's the kind of blaming that we do. I thank God every day that I don't have to feel blamed for our struggles. That would be very easy to do, but that doesn't happen here. I feel down on myself and pissed at my body for not doing what it should, and my husband knows that, so additional feelings of blame would do me no good (or our marriage for that matter). We could definitely let this tear us down, but I'm so glad we haven't let it. We trudge along hoping that the doctor knows best and that medicine and technology will do it's part, and we try to pray. But we do not blame.

I am eternally grateful to have support from friends, especially those who have or are experiencing this, from my co-workers and from our families. But most of all, I am grateful to my husband that we are on the same team and that team is US.

What's so scary about a baby?

A while back I had to explain to my husband exactly what makes it difficult sometimes to be around our friends and family with babies, toddlers or those who are pregnant. It was difficult for him to understand why family dinners, birthday parties, and other gatherings were not particularly enjoyable for me. I've been told that I didn't have to be around the baby if I didn't want to or if it would be too hard. Let me explain myself on this topic...The baby isn't what is difficult to be around. The precious, innocent, adorable little baby is not the hard part. I've told my friends that we will babysit any time. I could sit and hold a baby all day long! But at the same time, there are some times that holding someone else's newborn can be tough. What is difficult is that as I'm smiling while holding someone else's adorable, precious little baby, inside I feel heartbroken that it isn't my adorable, precious little baby. Despite this feeling, I still love holding a precious little one. Who doesn't?! I have to get my baby snuggles in where I can! Getting back to what I was saying before, it's not the baby that's difficult to be around, it is all the people going crazy over the baby. It's the parents, grandparents, friends, family, etc. that make every baby sound, baby movement or anything otherwise baby the topic of conversation and go crazy over it. It's the constant photo snapping, baby passing and conversation interrupting (to comment on what cute action is happening now) during get togethers that is difficult to be around. I get that this is how it is and it's what is normal, but that doesn't make it easier to be around. I know that when we have children it will be this way with friends and family, but right now, sometimes I just have to avoid these get-togethers and social gatherings on days when I know I can't put on the happy face and deal with it. I'm happy for our friends that are expecting, but I still have a difficult time hearing about doctor's appointments, baby kicks, or preparations for pending arrivals. Unfortunately, this is kind of the typical topic of conversation these days among friends as I am now more of the minority being without kids or expecting one currently. So yes, on days when I can't put on a happy face, I will bow out of social gatherings that put me in these uncomfortable scenarios. But as we keep moving forward in our journey towards having a family, I am moving to a level of acceptance. I do still get frustrated and sad obviously, which are totally normal emotions for this experience, but I've come to accept where we are with everything and what we may have to do to move forward. This acceptance should help me move forward sharing in other people's journeys to have families or with those who already have them, without feeling too upset or emotional being around it. This conversation and sharing these emotions with my husband was a great day for me. It felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders since he could finally see it from my perspective and truly understand why I said certain things or acted certain ways with family and friends. You don't get it until you are in the shoes that experience it, which was true for me before this all started. A week ago I had a great conversation with a close girlfriend who is also trying to have a baby. It was nice to hear that my emotions are shared by others and reaffirmed what I already knew, that it's okay to be mad, sad, pissed off, jealous, hopeless and many other things. It's all part of it and there's nothing wrong with all of us women on this journey feeling and expressing those emotions. It doesn't mean we need therapy or drugs to manage them. We need friends who are willing to listen, support from friends, family, and other women in the same situation, and faith.

"Normal"

"If you were "normal" you wouldn't be here." This is the response I received from the sonographer at my RE's office during a routine, beginning of the cycle, visit when I asked a question about what she saw on my scan. I have heard this more than once when I've asked basic questions like "what is normal?" relative to number of follicles and follicle size as we are beginning a treatment cycle. I don't blame her for being blunt and being direct with me, but that comment has stuck with me. I get that "normal" women just show up for sonograms and hear a heartbeat or see a fetus rather than look at what is there to possibly produce an egg or a potential baby. So I am thinking why the f*# should I be considered anything but normal? Why should the other women be the ones considered "normal"? So I don't have the perfect ovaries and reproductive system of a 30 year old for whatever f'ed up reason. Why should I or women like me be the abnormals??? Why shouldn't it be the other way around that those women who have "whoopsies," have 1 month or even 6 months of trying to conceive, or even those who have 1-2 months of some oral meds to help jump-start things, to be considered abnormal? I really wonder and wish I knew more about the number of women out there that are like me. I feel like we are eachother's only true support system as we are the only ones who truly know what we are experiencing being the "abnormal" women trying to conceive. Not only does this suck enough having to forgo the "normal" pregnancy experience of "trying" or having a "whoopsie," missing a period, resulting in the decision to test, and getting that unexpected and exciting positive pregnancy test, but us "abnormal women" are the ones who pump full of meds, have multiple office visits, scheduled sex or artificial inseminations, and then test compulsively often only to receive negative test after negative test. I am so pissed off at this point that I have to feel this and go through this and other people don't. I don't wish this on others, and I know that this is what it sounds like. BUT, I seriously would never wish what my husband and are going through on even my worst enemy. But I do wish that there was some way that other people could actually empathize with us rather than just sympathize. I have to pretend to be strong, happy, and excited for everyone else who is "normal" and no one can even begin to understand or empathize with what I feel. It's so messed up! I know that putting my emotions into words on a page won't fix anything but at least it releases a bit of my frustration. I am determined not only to somehow start the family that my husband and I have been ready for and deserving of for years, but I am determined to somehow help other women like me. WE are not "abnormal". We are forced to be stronger and more determined. I tell people openly about my experience in hopes that they will understand it and somehow help others that are experiencing the same thing. I know that our patience will somehow pay off in the future! When we finally have our baby, all of this bullshit will be totally worth it and forgotten,  and "normal" will be a term that won't mean a thing!