Today has been a crazy day for my emotions. Okay, no that's a lie; the last 2-3 days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Today was the BIG day. It was the day of our beta blood pregnancy test. I'd say that for the first half of our 10 day wait I was mentally in the mode of "okay, I am totally going to be pregnant...this is definitely going to work...oh my gosh, we are going to have twins!" Then the second half of the 10 day wait I started getting nervous. And I did end up caving. Shhh...my husband doesn't know this (well he does now). Yes, I am weak and I couldn't take it. I really kinda thought it was going to work so I took a fancy schmancy digital Clear Blue pregnancy test yesterday on 9dp5dt (9 days post 5 day embryo transfer) and got BFN (for most of you who don't know all the lingo that means BIG FAT NEGATIVE). But I was resilient, threw it away and mostly brushed it off saying "you know what, it's just too early." I told myself it could still be positive because that certainly is true. Then I thought about it a bit more and realized this was just one day before the blood test and that if this advanced fancy schmancy digital test says BFN, then it probably is so.
So fast forward to today...I woke up feeling a little anxious but still hopeful, knowing well that even with a negative urine test I could be pregnant. So when I went in at 8AM I confessed to the RN who drew my blood what I had done. With her typical flat affect she said, "well it could still be positive so we'll see." But I left feeling anxious and still feeling in my heart that it didn't work. I spent my day off trying to keep my head clear. I went to the cemetery and spent some time talking to Grandma about how much this sucks and how I wish she were still here to talk to and make me feel better, because she always knew what to say to make us feel better. She was the most devout Catholic I knew and still know. I was hoping that she could pull some strings for me up above so I put in my request. After about 20 minutes and lots of tears with Grandma I went on with my day. I ran errands, walked my dogs and laid at the pool. Then as the afternoon hours came, I began to wonder even more, "maybe she is calling all the positives first and saving the negatives for later" because I had really expected the call by 2 and it was now 2:30.
Then, the phone call came but went to voicemail because I didn't hear it. My husband and I listened together. I knew instantly from the tone in the nurse's voice that it was what I had dreaded. All we listened to was "I'm so sorry, your test was negative" and my husband grabbed the phone and deleted it to make it stop as I started sobbing. My sobbing continued for a few minutes, then we sobbed together and then we sat in silence and made a few texts and phone calls. We both processed what this meant and I soon after emailed the nurse to ask a few questions so we can start planning our next move.
Now I sit as we prepare to go out to eat and have a drink (or 5), and it feels so surreal to me. I really feel like it all had to have been a bad dream. I threw away the meds that I had hung onto in the fridge that can't be re-used, took all the pill bottles out of the bathroom and removed all of the needles, which are now replaced with tampons in preparation for what I expect to be one hell of a vicious period (I know, TMI but deal with it because I have to!). But seriously, it does feel like none of it happened. It feels like all of the months of drug prep, tests, scans, surgeries, hospital visits are all a blur and a distant bad dream. But then I look at our savings account and I'm reminded with a slap in the face to wake up because it very much happened.
I have now resolved to move on. I am still letting go of tears every once in a while, but I think that is just going to happen for the next few hours or days. I have already made a follow-up appointment with the doctor and have asked his nurse practicioner a few key questions so we can start planning. I know we should grieve and deal with it, but we will. The best way for me to grieve is to move on. I am very much a Type A personality and a planner, so I immediately started evaluating our life situation, plans, goals, and finances, and we have begun discussing our plan of attack (which is yet to be decided at this point in time for those wondering).
So here were are, all the way back at square one, or what feels like negative 10. But we have resolved to take this in stride, deal with it and move forward. We appreciate all of the thoughts, concern, positive vibes, and prayers from everyone. We welcome for those to be continued into the future as well. We WILL become parents, we just don't know exactly when or how we are going to make that happen. So for now we will continue to live as a family of 4 with our 2 loving fur-kids and live vicariously through our friends by playing the role of Aunt Courtney and Uncle Jason, until the day that we can finally be Mommy and Daddy.
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