Getting back out there...

This may be a post that doesn't, let's just say, make me any friends, but I care more about my own feelings and those of women like me, than I do about offending others today. A woman with infertility who yearns to have a child sheds thousands of tears over not being able to, pokes herself hundreds of times with needles to inject hormones, goes through surgeries to prepare or repair reproductive organs, and spends thousands or tens of thousands of dollars a cycle to do so, lives and breathes babies. Everything in our lives becomes about baby-making: lifestyle, food choices, physical activity, leisure activities, sex, sleep patterns, menstrual cycles. EVERYTHING! Living as a woman who is a "1" in the 1:8 ratio of couples experiencing infertility issues is not easy. I am envious and some days insanely jealous of pregnant women. It seems like I can't make it one day without seeing a pregnant woman. Women I work with and friends are on to their second and third pregnancies in the time span that I've been attempting to have one. So yes, I am jealous and feel entitled to own these feelings.

So that being said, for those women who have kids or are pregnant that love me or other women in your lives who are experiencing infertility, put yourselves in our shoes. This even applies to those who have women or friends in your lives who have chosen to live childless lives as a life choice without the influence of infertility. I'm not sure if "censor" is the right word, but for lack of a better word and racking my brain this early in the morning, I'll say sensor your comments and conversations. Before I elaborate I'll say that I am definitely guilty of talking about things that other people probably don't care about or want to talk about, and I am trying to be mindful of this. I try not to make every conversation with friends about my infertility struggles, unless they are the ones who ask. So at the same time, I ask that others "sensor" their conversations, at least around those women like me. I have avoided nights out with friends for months now because I have been afraid that I can't handle conversations about pregnancies, babies and family life. I finally am trying to come out of my hermit shell and live life a bit more, only to immediately want to retreat back into it after very little exposure to my old life. I don't expect my friends, most of which now have families, multiple children or currently are pregnant, to not talk about these aspects of their lives. Many of my girlfriends know I am interested to hear about it, and hopefully all know that I love their children and am beyond happy for them for their pregnancies. Many of my friends (both with children/pregnancies and without), a few of which I have spent time with very recently, have been wonderful. We have had hour-plus long conversations that were about all things life except their babies/pregnancies and my struggles. I am very grateful for these conversations and for these friends who ask about mine and my husband's life. A friend I recently saw said "how are things...well I know how things have been, but how is everything else? Work? Jason? Family?" THANK YOU FOR THIS little lady! I hope you know who you are. This happy hour conversation was refreshing!

Getting back to my point...I am at a difficult crossroads because I don't want to isolate myself from my friends, but I have found that many outings are more painful than positive for me. Hopefully my friends read this and understand, so that I don't have to have the same difficult conversation individually multiple times. I love you all, but it hurts to sit and try to smile and try to be happy when everything happening and being discussed is what I yearn for and can't have. I can handle small doses of it, but after a while I have to have conversations about other things (work, shopping, movies, sports, anything else!). Again, I do very much acknowledge and appreciate the attempts to steer conversations this way. Just please be mindful that my silence and lack of participation in conversation is often because it is painful. It is painful to listen to talk about how cute so-and-so is, when it's time to breast feed or pump, how hard it is to sleep because your kids keep you awake, or anything else that may be a change, positive or considered an inconvenience as a result of children. I would trade lives any time with any of you for this. I would donate an organ if it meant I could experience pregnancy and have my own baby. So again, please don't read this the wrong way but rather understand where I am coming from, or where your friends and their husbands or partners are coming from. Please understand that we still cherish friendships, but that being left behind the baby train is a very dark, sad and isolating place. We need support from friends and family and conversations about life aside from babies or lack of babies, at least intermittently. Again, obviously "normal" conversations for many have shifted to talking about those things that infertile or childless people can't relate to. All I ask and want to relay is that people are made aware of this, of the feelings women like me are experiencing, and of our desire to be a part of our friends' and family member's lives just as much as we were before our infertility began.