Let's just start by saying what I really feel...2013 can kiss it! I am so ready to bid farewell to this year, and I am so ready to start the next year and never look back at 2013. Yes, 2013 had it's moments. I had a few trips and vacations with my husband and with family that were memorable and fun, but the negative shit that consumed our lives in 2013 without a doubt outweighs the positive. My husband and I experienced losses of loved ones, , which were sad and bittersweet at the same time, as that often goes. The majority of our year was consumed with our struggles to start a family. The 2 miscarriages I had ranked right up there delivering the grief and sadness I felt in 2010 and 2006 when I lost each of my grandmothers. That sense of sadness and grief is unforgettable and horrible. Everyone knows what I mean as everyone has experienced some kind of loss that has left a deep void in your life.
I believe that this year is one of the darkest years I've experienced in my life emotionally. The worst of the year and the darkest I've probably ever felt occurred in the past week. A conversation during what I expected to be a fairly routine, or what has now become routine, visit to the RE did not go as I had expected. The days following this appointment I felt like I was inside a bubble with the world just spinning around me and with me inside out of control. I felt numb to everything going on. I had one of those really good cries. It was the kind that hurts your sides, makes it hard to breathe and swells up your eyes so bad you just want to keep them closed. I think those tears had been needing to come out for a while. And as usual, my beyond amazing husband was there to hold me as I cried. After a few more days of being sad, I suddenly woke up the next day and felt okay, not happy but okay. I felt of sense of acceptance. I think I finally accepted that the hand we've been dealt is a shit hand and that we are going to have to work hard and kick some ass to make things happen for ourselves, which will make the end result so much more worth it. I feel a sense of calm suddenly too. I think I needed to get to the acceptance stage so that I could move on and figure out a plan.
And that is what 2014 will hold in store for us. It will likely be another tough year, but I am ready for it now. I have come to realize along this journey that I must accept what I cannot change and what I have no control over. I have learned I need to implement this in all aspects of my life including personal, social, and professional. So I will no longer let those things I can't control take over my life and my mental and emotional health. I will learn to either move on or find a way to deal with it. I am ready for 2014! I'm ready to take better care of myself emotionally and mentally. 2013 may have beat me but I am ready to turn my back and kick 2014's ass without looking back!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Emotional roller coaster
As we continue treatment this month, I have once again boarded the roller coaster of emotions that accompanies it. I now feel like a pro at this process, and the bi and sometimes tri-weekly appointments in the early part of the month don't even phase me anymore. I am a creature of habit, and I will admit that I do not like change. So when I first started all of this, knowing that I had to leave work to travel to my doctor's office for scans, blood work and to meet with the nurse practitioner was unsettling and stressful for me. It doesn't phase me anymore. Yes it is a bit of nuisance and makes planning my patient care a bit difficult, but I have adapted. I can make it through the first few weeks of the month without much stress, and I now feel like I have been pretty relaxed. As those who are trying to conceive know, the two week wait is the most difficult part of the month, at least in my opinion. These two weeks feel like an eternity! My girlfriends who are currently or have previously gone through some degree of fertility treatment know exactly how much these two weeks suck. I am one of those people who can't seem to wait the recommended 14 days before taking a test. My first two pregnancies I tested 10 days after and got positive results so I have told myself that maybe every cycle 10 days is late enough. So in past months, I'll admit that I was a little bit crazy and have burned through a lot of pregnancy tests. I realize how crazy it is as I am doing it, but it is so difficult not to. I think some of my girlfriends understand this. I know that just because I take another test, it doesn't mean it will be positive. And no I don't mean that I'm taking one after the other in the same day, but yes, sometimes I will take one in the morning and then another in the evening. I know it sounds crazy! I can relate my situation to that of some of my patients with swallowing problems. They seem to think that repeating their swallowing evaluations day after day will ultimately change the outcome and give them the results they hope for, which is rarely ever the case. So in upcoming months I will try my hardest to wait!
Getting back to emotions...The emotions those two weeks are so tough. I have gotten to the point where I now feel a little numb, like I don't want to have any excitement or anticipation. Because even if the test is positive, I can't let myself get overwhelmed with emotions and happiness again. I know that may only set me up for disappointment. Not only is the disappointment of a lost pregnancy devastating but so is the loss of a failed treatment cycle. Even though I may have never been pregnant during a cycle, it still feels like I have lost something. The days and even weeks following the negative test or the beginning of the next cycle are devastating. I think about how life would have been different if I were pregnant and how another month has been lost. Sometimes that sadness and those emotions are overwhelming. The emotions are likely exacerbated by the drugs that are influencing my hormones as well. I read something on www.resolve.org that put into words exactly what all of this feels like. The website has information for family and friends to better help them understand the process. The website equates the grief of a lost pregnancy or failed month to the loss of a loved one, with this loss being repeated month after month. I know many people may not understand this, but that is quite a bit similar to how I have grieved for lost relatives. Yes my grief was likely a bit deeper, especially for my grandmothers, but overall this is an accurate way of describing it. The difference is that you can eventually heal or come to terms with the fact that this loved one is not returning and move on. But the grief and sense of loss with infertility is repeating month after month. So just as soon as I am feeling happy and positive about our chances, the loss happens all over again. So for those who can't relate, imagine losing a loved one every month and having to figure out how to grieve and move on with your daily life each month. This has been my life since March of this year. Believe it or not, I don't want sympathy. I just want others to understand what it feels like and be able to somehow relate. The emotions only get stronger and worse as the process goes on. As those around me get pregnant and have babies and as we get further invested in the process, the grief seems to worsen. I think people may expect that someone would get used to this after so long, but there is no getting used to it. Every three months we try a new combination of drugs and sometimes a new procedure. Each new cycle of meds I tell myself "it has to happen this time." We are still hopeful that one of these months we will get the medication and process right and it will stick. But until then I will remain on this emotional roller coaster.
Getting back to emotions...The emotions those two weeks are so tough. I have gotten to the point where I now feel a little numb, like I don't want to have any excitement or anticipation. Because even if the test is positive, I can't let myself get overwhelmed with emotions and happiness again. I know that may only set me up for disappointment. Not only is the disappointment of a lost pregnancy devastating but so is the loss of a failed treatment cycle. Even though I may have never been pregnant during a cycle, it still feels like I have lost something. The days and even weeks following the negative test or the beginning of the next cycle are devastating. I think about how life would have been different if I were pregnant and how another month has been lost. Sometimes that sadness and those emotions are overwhelming. The emotions are likely exacerbated by the drugs that are influencing my hormones as well. I read something on www.resolve.org that put into words exactly what all of this feels like. The website has information for family and friends to better help them understand the process. The website equates the grief of a lost pregnancy or failed month to the loss of a loved one, with this loss being repeated month after month. I know many people may not understand this, but that is quite a bit similar to how I have grieved for lost relatives. Yes my grief was likely a bit deeper, especially for my grandmothers, but overall this is an accurate way of describing it. The difference is that you can eventually heal or come to terms with the fact that this loved one is not returning and move on. But the grief and sense of loss with infertility is repeating month after month. So just as soon as I am feeling happy and positive about our chances, the loss happens all over again. So for those who can't relate, imagine losing a loved one every month and having to figure out how to grieve and move on with your daily life each month. This has been my life since March of this year. Believe it or not, I don't want sympathy. I just want others to understand what it feels like and be able to somehow relate. The emotions only get stronger and worse as the process goes on. As those around me get pregnant and have babies and as we get further invested in the process, the grief seems to worsen. I think people may expect that someone would get used to this after so long, but there is no getting used to it. Every three months we try a new combination of drugs and sometimes a new procedure. Each new cycle of meds I tell myself "it has to happen this time." We are still hopeful that one of these months we will get the medication and process right and it will stick. But until then I will remain on this emotional roller coaster.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Bittersweet Emotions
So I have finished packing, and then unpacking (due to my bag being too heavy!) and repacking. And now we sit and relax in anticipation for our vacation to Mexico tomorrow. While I am excited to go, I also will be traveling with a heavy heart. Aside from everything going on (or not going on) relative to the "baby" front, including negative emotions, anger, sadness, jealousy, and so on, my family has unfortunately experienced a great loss this week. I have been trying to deal with how to handle my emotions following the loss of my uncle and how I feel about having to miss his funeral services. My family has told me to go on vacation, enjoy myself and "drink a Coors light for Bob," telling me that is what he would want me to do. So, I will do just that and go on vacation and likely drink a LOT of Coors lights for him! But all the while, he will be in the back of my mind along with the rest of my family who will be grieving for our loss and celebrating his life. The hardest part of all is not to be able to support my family and have their support as I also grieve. I will miss out on the family time where everyone shares happy memories and funny stories about him. So I have decided that since I can't partake in that later this week, I will share some of my fondest Bob memories with everyone who cares to read this and know what an amazing person he was.
My Uncle Bob was quite an athlete. I will brag a bit. He was a phenomenal handball player and actually was inducted into the NCAA handball hall of fame years ago. No joke!! And I will always remember the long Saturdays that I spent at Rockhurst with my family, including Mom, Grandma, aunts and cousins, watching him and my Uncle Frank play handball with all of their buddies.
My Uncle Bob was also a runner. He ran marathons, half marathons, 10ks and 5ks up until the end of his life. In the final years we as a family walked with him, pushing him in his wheelchair and walking along with him, doing one of the things he loved so much. He looked forward to Hospital Hill every year as it approached, and I have so much respect for my aunt for helping him to continue to enjoy this even in the years for which he had to participate in the wheelchair.
My Uncle Bob was generous and giving. Here's just one example...He wanted so badly for my mom to have a dog after my brother and I moved out that he practically had one foot out the door waiting for her phone call to let him know when she was ready. He couldn't wait to meet us at Petsmart to help with her dog selection. He walked the aisles of the store throwing anything and everything into the cart that he felt she and Maggie, her new pooch, would need. He didn't even bat an eyelash when doing this. This is only one example of his selflessness for others. Bob was such a dog lover too. He made sure any time he visited any of our houses where dogs resided that there was not a shortage of treats being dispensed to our four legged friends.
The stories about Bob go on and on and I'm sure my family will have many more happy joyful memories to share with one another later this week. No one deserves to get sick and have to live with a terrible disease like the one he had, but my heart aches to have seen such a wonderful person experience what he did. And in true Bob form, I never heard him complain. Not once. I aspire to live my life with the positive attitude he did and to be as loving and generous as he was. He will be greatly missed. So Uncle Bob, I'll crack open a cold one for you in a few days and be thinking about you all the while!
My Uncle Bob was quite an athlete. I will brag a bit. He was a phenomenal handball player and actually was inducted into the NCAA handball hall of fame years ago. No joke!! And I will always remember the long Saturdays that I spent at Rockhurst with my family, including Mom, Grandma, aunts and cousins, watching him and my Uncle Frank play handball with all of their buddies.
My Uncle Bob was also a runner. He ran marathons, half marathons, 10ks and 5ks up until the end of his life. In the final years we as a family walked with him, pushing him in his wheelchair and walking along with him, doing one of the things he loved so much. He looked forward to Hospital Hill every year as it approached, and I have so much respect for my aunt for helping him to continue to enjoy this even in the years for which he had to participate in the wheelchair.
My Uncle Bob was generous and giving. Here's just one example...He wanted so badly for my mom to have a dog after my brother and I moved out that he practically had one foot out the door waiting for her phone call to let him know when she was ready. He couldn't wait to meet us at Petsmart to help with her dog selection. He walked the aisles of the store throwing anything and everything into the cart that he felt she and Maggie, her new pooch, would need. He didn't even bat an eyelash when doing this. This is only one example of his selflessness for others. Bob was such a dog lover too. He made sure any time he visited any of our houses where dogs resided that there was not a shortage of treats being dispensed to our four legged friends.
The stories about Bob go on and on and I'm sure my family will have many more happy joyful memories to share with one another later this week. No one deserves to get sick and have to live with a terrible disease like the one he had, but my heart aches to have seen such a wonderful person experience what he did. And in true Bob form, I never heard him complain. Not once. I aspire to live my life with the positive attitude he did and to be as loving and generous as he was. He will be greatly missed. So Uncle Bob, I'll crack open a cold one for you in a few days and be thinking about you all the while!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Vacations
November is a vacation month for myself and my husband. 2 very different types of vacation to be exact. We'll start with the literal vacation: a family trip to Mexico. I'm sure many will find it hard to believe, but for the past 9 months (since the vacation plans were set in stone and dates were decided), I have had mixed emotions about vacation. No it is not that I don't need a vacation. Who doesn't need a trip to Mexico?! No, it is not that I don't want to go. Of course I do! And no, it is not that I don't want to spend time with family. Yes, I do want to do this as well. For me, the mixed emotions come from something much deeper. When the dates were set 9 months ago, it was the week I miscarried. In my mind, had I not had a miscarriage, I would not be going on this vacation. I know, I know...I just to get over it, right? So every month since miscarriage #1 and then #2 the following month in April we have been hoping and praying for another chance for a successful pregnancy. It is very difficult to find happiness in day to day activities and even special occasions like birthdays, holidays, vacations when a person goes through stress and sadness month after month. So for me, I had to find a way to move on and get over the fact that it is what it is. Finally come mid-summer with still no pregnancy I came to the realization that we would definitely be going. Again, mixed emotions. On one hand this is great news because that means time with family and a week long getaway to tropical paradise. But again, that lingering "what if" has been in the back of my mind. But, Sunday night I woke up in the middle of the night, like I typically do, and felt a sudden feeling of excitement and anticipation. That feeling you get when you are going to do something really exciting, like go on vacation. I told my husband on Monday, the next day, that I was finally excited for vacation. Everyone knows that feeling of anticipation and excitement. I had told my family I would get there but that he and I both needed time. No we weren't feeling ready or excited for the past 9 months since it has been planned. But to us, with the stress of work, car purchases, car accidents, and of course...infertility, we were not in a place mentally or emotionally to get pumped for a vacation months away. I am happy to say we have made it there! Better late than never right?!
So moving on to our second vacation of sorts. The vacation away from "trying." Unfortunately vacation and mother nature together won't allow for us to "try" again this month, which is difficult. People also offer the advice to "take some time off...see what happens." Typically that approach does nothing when you have fertility problems. It is just a whole month lost in a sense. Despite all this, I have decided to look at the bright side of this and look at it like a vacation from the emotional stress and all hormones, etc that come with monthly treatments. I have decided to take a month to enjoy the things that I have restricted myself from for the past several months, as suggested by various physicians. Things like coffee and alcohol mostly. Oh yeah, and exercise. I took it easy, which I hate doing. So this month they are back!! I also decided to look at it as a month that we can save money, and a month with no drugs, lab work, appointments. No getting pinched, poked, probed! I'm glad to have found a bright side to help myself move on and get ready for vacation! So let the vacations begin!!
So moving on to our second vacation of sorts. The vacation away from "trying." Unfortunately vacation and mother nature together won't allow for us to "try" again this month, which is difficult. People also offer the advice to "take some time off...see what happens." Typically that approach does nothing when you have fertility problems. It is just a whole month lost in a sense. Despite all this, I have decided to look at the bright side of this and look at it like a vacation from the emotional stress and all hormones, etc that come with monthly treatments. I have decided to take a month to enjoy the things that I have restricted myself from for the past several months, as suggested by various physicians. Things like coffee and alcohol mostly. Oh yeah, and exercise. I took it easy, which I hate doing. So this month they are back!! I also decided to look at it as a month that we can save money, and a month with no drugs, lab work, appointments. No getting pinched, poked, probed! I'm glad to have found a bright side to help myself move on and get ready for vacation! So let the vacations begin!!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tough weekend
This has been a tough weekend. Yesterday was a date that has been in the back of my mind for a while. I'd forgotten about it for a while but at the same time hadn't forgotten. 9 months ago I peed on a stick and got a "pregnant" result. FINALLY! I went to the library, came home armed with at least 5 pregnancy books, all of which I read in a matter of days. I got online and calculated the estimated pending birth of our baby: November 9th. I looked at furniture, imagined what names would be, and so on...This was all in a matter of days. You have to understand that after a year of trying to get pregnant, I had been waiting for the chance to do all of these things. It had finally come. However, within a week I went from pregnant to miscarrying. Back to the library to dump those books and read about infertility, coping with loss, and miscarriage. So yes, yesterday was a shitty day and this is a difficult weekend. I strategically planned to work a Saturday shift yesterday at the hospital. Work seems to be one place where I don't have to think (so much) about all this crap. My co-workers are very supportive and offer me hugs, ears to listen and candy :) to make me feel better. So I was safe at work all day. I was far to busy to think about anything but getting all of my patients seen. My patients reminded me for the 9 hours I was there that I could be in a far worse situation than I am. And I enjoyed every minute that I was able to help someone else, and that is why I love my job, stress and all.
So I survived most of the day without many emotions, aside from some tears in the car while en route to work. But the real challenge lay in my evening plans: out for a friend's birthday. What's difficult about that you ask? Being around people with babies and especially people who are pregnant. I would often rather stab myself with a pencil than sit through a conversation about pregnancy, childcare, etc. But these conversations are amongst my friends so I endure it quietly, choke back tears and escape to the bathroom to cry. And so all that sums up last night. I would have loved to have had a few too many drinks, danced and laughed but yesterday was not a day that I could put aside all the crap and suck it up. Yesterday I remembered... I remembered it was supposed to be MY day. I was supposed to become a MOM yesterday. This was supposed to be one of the happiest weekends, months, holiday seasons... and so on...of my life. So no I won't apologize for being quiet, introverted and testy last night or yesterday. I will feel entitled to feel what I am feeling and not feel sorry about it. My day will come some time, I know. But for now, I am letting myself feel depressed, angry, resentful and jealous because my day was taken away from me for an unexplained reason.
CBelz
So I survived most of the day without many emotions, aside from some tears in the car while en route to work. But the real challenge lay in my evening plans: out for a friend's birthday. What's difficult about that you ask? Being around people with babies and especially people who are pregnant. I would often rather stab myself with a pencil than sit through a conversation about pregnancy, childcare, etc. But these conversations are amongst my friends so I endure it quietly, choke back tears and escape to the bathroom to cry. And so all that sums up last night. I would have loved to have had a few too many drinks, danced and laughed but yesterday was not a day that I could put aside all the crap and suck it up. Yesterday I remembered... I remembered it was supposed to be MY day. I was supposed to become a MOM yesterday. This was supposed to be one of the happiest weekends, months, holiday seasons... and so on...of my life. So no I won't apologize for being quiet, introverted and testy last night or yesterday. I will feel entitled to feel what I am feeling and not feel sorry about it. My day will come some time, I know. But for now, I am letting myself feel depressed, angry, resentful and jealous because my day was taken away from me for an unexplained reason.
CBelz
Coming Out of My "Closet" (not the one you'd think)
So I saw an inspiring video on Facebook the other day in which a woman talked about how people need to come out of their "closet." She explained how this is not just about sexuality but rather the "closet" can be anything that is hard to talk about. Everyone likely has some "closet" to come out of: telling a loved one you are sick, telling someone you cheated, or anything difficult of that nature. After recent restless nights, intermittent random bouts of tears, nights spent falling asleep quietly crying next to my husband...I've decided that I need an outlet to let go of my emotions. Conversations and "talking about it" are not my thing. Writing something is much easier for me. So, let's hope this blog helps me deal with what I have on my plate (and heavily weighing on my mind). My hope in this blog is not to educate or preach or anything of that nature. I don't even care if anyone reads it. I just need to find some way to deal with my emotions and my situation. This is one of the many "tips" I've read on the thousands of websites I've looked to for help and guidance.
Back to the "closet." I don't feel that I have a huge announcement, but in the midst of beginning my blogging or journaling experience, I feel the need to explain my purpose. Here goes: I am experiencing infertility issues. Woah! That was easy. No tears when it comes out on the keyboard and not my mouth. Okay, just a few welling up but no one is here to see them this time. Close friends, some family members and some of mine and my husband's coworkers know this already. I'm sure those that didn't may have been wondering. But now the rest of you (whoever you are) know as well. My hope in sharing this is to allow me to journal my emotions daily, weekly, hourly (hopefully not but sometimes I feel like that would help) and to let others close to us in on the "secret." I also hope that this will end some of the frequently asked questions that are often difficult to answer: "when are you guys going to start a family?....have you guys talked about kids?...blah blah blah" Sometimes it feels like it's become easy to answer and swallow my emotions during these conversations. I give a generic response like "oh hopefully soon" or "whenever it happens." The more difficult, honest response typically leads to tears and then makes the conversation very awkward for the other person. So let's hope some of these questions can be put aside now.
I won't go into a long drawn out story about where we started and how long we've come...not on this blog anyways. Again, I am hoping this will help relieve some stress and emotions that are built up. And yes, I've tried a lot of things: massage, acupuncture, vacations, and so on...So here we are...Still no baby and still a lot of stress and emotions. I would love constructive or positive comments if anyone has anything to share or suggestions. I would NOT love negative or hateful comments, so please keep those to yourself and don't read it if you don't like it. I look forward to spilling more soon! Thanks for listening!! BTW the link to that video that inspired me is here: http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?g=2 . It was very interesting!
CBelz
Back to the "closet." I don't feel that I have a huge announcement, but in the midst of beginning my blogging or journaling experience, I feel the need to explain my purpose. Here goes: I am experiencing infertility issues. Woah! That was easy. No tears when it comes out on the keyboard and not my mouth. Okay, just a few welling up but no one is here to see them this time. Close friends, some family members and some of mine and my husband's coworkers know this already. I'm sure those that didn't may have been wondering. But now the rest of you (whoever you are) know as well. My hope in sharing this is to allow me to journal my emotions daily, weekly, hourly (hopefully not but sometimes I feel like that would help) and to let others close to us in on the "secret." I also hope that this will end some of the frequently asked questions that are often difficult to answer: "when are you guys going to start a family?....have you guys talked about kids?...blah blah blah" Sometimes it feels like it's become easy to answer and swallow my emotions during these conversations. I give a generic response like "oh hopefully soon" or "whenever it happens." The more difficult, honest response typically leads to tears and then makes the conversation very awkward for the other person. So let's hope some of these questions can be put aside now.
I won't go into a long drawn out story about where we started and how long we've come...not on this blog anyways. Again, I am hoping this will help relieve some stress and emotions that are built up. And yes, I've tried a lot of things: massage, acupuncture, vacations, and so on...So here we are...Still no baby and still a lot of stress and emotions. I would love constructive or positive comments if anyone has anything to share or suggestions. I would NOT love negative or hateful comments, so please keep those to yourself and don't read it if you don't like it. I look forward to spilling more soon! Thanks for listening!! BTW the link to that video that inspired me is here: http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?g=2 . It was very interesting!
CBelz
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)