Tough weekend

This has been a tough weekend.  Yesterday was a date that has been in the back of my mind for a while.  I'd forgotten about it for a while but at the same time hadn't forgotten.  9 months ago I peed on a stick and got a "pregnant" result.  FINALLY!  I went to the library, came home armed with at least 5 pregnancy books, all of which I read in a matter of days.  I got online and calculated the estimated pending birth of our baby: November 9th.  I looked at furniture, imagined what names would be, and so on...This was all in a matter of days.  You have to understand that after a year of trying to get pregnant, I had been waiting for the chance to do all of these things.  It had finally come.  However, within a week I went from pregnant to miscarrying.  Back to the library to dump those books and read about infertility, coping with loss, and miscarriage.  So yes, yesterday was a shitty day and this is a difficult weekend.  I strategically planned to work a Saturday shift yesterday at the hospital.  Work seems to be one place where I don't have to think (so much) about all this crap.  My co-workers are very supportive and offer me hugs, ears to listen and candy :) to make me feel better.  So I was safe at work all day.  I was far to busy to think about anything but getting all of my patients seen.  My patients reminded me for the 9 hours I was there that I could be in a far worse situation than I am.  And I enjoyed every minute that I was able to help someone else, and that is why I love my job, stress and all.

So I survived most of the day without many emotions, aside from some tears in the car while en route to work.  But the real challenge lay in my evening plans: out for a friend's birthday.  What's difficult about that you ask?  Being around people with babies and especially people who are pregnant.  I would often rather stab myself with a pencil than sit through a conversation about pregnancy, childcare, etc.  But these conversations are amongst my friends so I endure it quietly, choke back tears and escape to the bathroom to cry.  And so all that sums up last night.  I would have loved to have had a few too many drinks, danced and laughed but yesterday was not a day that I could put aside all the crap and suck it up.  Yesterday I remembered... I remembered it was supposed to be MY day.  I was supposed to become a MOM yesterday.   This was supposed to be one of the happiest weekends, months, holiday seasons... and so on...of my life.  So no I won't apologize for being quiet, introverted and testy last night or yesterday.  I will feel entitled to feel what I am feeling and not feel sorry about it.  My day will come some time, I know.  But for now, I am letting myself feel depressed, angry, resentful and jealous because my day was taken away from me for an unexplained reason.

CBelz