Let's just start by saying what I really feel...2013 can kiss it! I am so ready to bid farewell to this year, and I am so ready to start the next year and never look back at 2013. Yes, 2013 had it's moments. I had a few trips and vacations with my husband and with family that were memorable and fun, but the negative shit that consumed our lives in 2013 without a doubt outweighs the positive. My husband and I experienced losses of loved ones, , which were sad and bittersweet at the same time, as that often goes. The majority of our year was consumed with our struggles to start a family. The 2 miscarriages I had ranked right up there delivering the grief and sadness I felt in 2010 and 2006 when I lost each of my grandmothers. That sense of sadness and grief is unforgettable and horrible. Everyone knows what I mean as everyone has experienced some kind of loss that has left a deep void in your life.
I believe that this year is one of the darkest years I've experienced in my life emotionally. The worst of the year and the darkest I've probably ever felt occurred in the past week. A conversation during what I expected to be a fairly routine, or what has now become routine, visit to the RE did not go as I had expected. The days following this appointment I felt like I was inside a bubble with the world just spinning around me and with me inside out of control. I felt numb to everything going on. I had one of those really good cries. It was the kind that hurts your sides, makes it hard to breathe and swells up your eyes so bad you just want to keep them closed. I think those tears had been needing to come out for a while. And as usual, my beyond amazing husband was there to hold me as I cried. After a few more days of being sad, I suddenly woke up the next day and felt okay, not happy but okay. I felt of sense of acceptance. I think I finally accepted that the hand we've been dealt is a shit hand and that we are going to have to work hard and kick some ass to make things happen for ourselves, which will make the end result so much more worth it. I feel a sense of calm suddenly too. I think I needed to get to the acceptance stage so that I could move on and figure out a plan.
And that is what 2014 will hold in store for us. It will likely be another tough year, but I am ready for it now. I have come to realize along this journey that I must accept what I cannot change and what I have no control over. I have learned I need to implement this in all aspects of my life including personal, social, and professional. So I will no longer let those things I can't control take over my life and my mental and emotional health. I will learn to either move on or find a way to deal with it. I am ready for 2014! I'm ready to take better care of myself emotionally and mentally. 2013 may have beat me but I am ready to turn my back and kick 2014's ass without looking back!!
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