As we continue treatment this month, I have once again boarded the roller coaster of emotions that accompanies it. I now feel like a pro at this process, and the bi and sometimes tri-weekly appointments in the early part of the month don't even phase me anymore. I am a creature of habit, and I will admit that I do not like change. So when I first started all of this, knowing that I had to leave work to travel to my doctor's office for scans, blood work and to meet with the nurse practitioner was unsettling and stressful for me. It doesn't phase me anymore. Yes it is a bit of nuisance and makes planning my patient care a bit difficult, but I have adapted. I can make it through the first few weeks of the month without much stress, and I now feel like I have been pretty relaxed. As those who are trying to conceive know, the two week wait is the most difficult part of the month, at least in my opinion. These two weeks feel like an eternity! My girlfriends who are currently or have previously gone through some degree of fertility treatment know exactly how much these two weeks suck. I am one of those people who can't seem to wait the recommended 14 days before taking a test. My first two pregnancies I tested 10 days after and got positive results so I have told myself that maybe every cycle 10 days is late enough. So in past months, I'll admit that I was a little bit crazy and have burned through a lot of pregnancy tests. I realize how crazy it is as I am doing it, but it is so difficult not to. I think some of my girlfriends understand this. I know that just because I take another test, it doesn't mean it will be positive. And no I don't mean that I'm taking one after the other in the same day, but yes, sometimes I will take one in the morning and then another in the evening. I know it sounds crazy! I can relate my situation to that of some of my patients with swallowing problems. They seem to think that repeating their swallowing evaluations day after day will ultimately change the outcome and give them the results they hope for, which is rarely ever the case. So in upcoming months I will try my hardest to wait!
Getting back to emotions...The emotions those two weeks are so tough. I have gotten to the point where I now feel a little numb, like I don't want to have any excitement or anticipation. Because even if the test is positive, I can't let myself get overwhelmed with emotions and happiness again. I know that may only set me up for disappointment. Not only is the disappointment of a lost pregnancy devastating but so is the loss of a failed treatment cycle. Even though I may have never been pregnant during a cycle, it still feels like I have lost something. The days and even weeks following the negative test or the beginning of the next cycle are devastating. I think about how life would have been different if I were pregnant and how another month has been lost. Sometimes that sadness and those emotions are overwhelming. The emotions are likely exacerbated by the drugs that are influencing my hormones as well. I read something on www.resolve.org that put into words exactly what all of this feels like. The website has information for family and friends to better help them understand the process. The website equates the grief of a lost pregnancy or failed month to the loss of a loved one, with this loss being repeated month after month. I know many people may not understand this, but that is quite a bit similar to how I have grieved for lost relatives. Yes my grief was likely a bit deeper, especially for my grandmothers, but overall this is an accurate way of describing it. The difference is that you can eventually heal or come to terms with the fact that this loved one is not returning and move on. But the grief and sense of loss with infertility is repeating month after month. So just as soon as I am feeling happy and positive about our chances, the loss happens all over again. So for those who can't relate, imagine losing a loved one every month and having to figure out how to grieve and move on with your daily life each month. This has been my life since March of this year. Believe it or not, I don't want sympathy. I just want others to understand what it feels like and be able to somehow relate. The emotions only get stronger and worse as the process goes on. As those around me get pregnant and have babies and as we get further invested in the process, the grief seems to worsen. I think people may expect that someone would get used to this after so long, but there is no getting used to it. Every three months we try a new combination of drugs and sometimes a new procedure. Each new cycle of meds I tell myself "it has to happen this time." We are still hopeful that one of these months we will get the medication and process right and it will stick. But until then I will remain on this emotional roller coaster.
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