Holding pattern...

I haven't posted anything in while, so as I sit here drinking my Saturday morning coffee, I have decided to write a little something.  I haven't had a new post because, in some respects, I am feeling 'okay' right now. Things had been pretty shitty for a long time (with respect to baby making), but I've accepted that it is what it is. We have made plans for our next IVF, which isn't until the fall, so from May to November we have been and still are in a holding pattern. It seemed like this 6 months would be an eternity way back in May when we made this decision, but time is flying by. 6 months is a LONG time to wait when you've been trying to have a baby for so long. I have finally started working at a second job, which I took on to make extra income to help fund our medical bills. That is definitely keeping me busy as well as stressing me out a bit, but at least it's something other than trying to have a baby that is a source of stress! I've committed to running a half marathon in October, which for now, will be my one and only half marathon. It will be my last hoorah before our IVF as I have to "cut waaaaaay back after that," (relative to exercise) as quoted via email by my RE nurse practitioner. So right now there is not much time to think about or stress about our lack of baby or pregnancy.

I still struggle emotionally with the constant pregnancy announcements and birth announcements, but I know those will continue to come. Having support from the ladies in my support group and from couples who are going through this as well helps me with these emotions. I have connected with new friends in the past few months and reconnected with old friends, all of which do not have babies for different reasons. Spending time with these friends has been amazing! We love our friends with kids, but until we are part of that "club," we also need social outings with others where we feel like we fit in. I think my husband and I are at a point where we have found a nice balance of the two. I've let go a little bit on the tight grip I had around our banking accounts and decided it's okay to live a little and spend money on things other than medical procedures, lab work, acupuncture, etc. I've been happier now that we are doing more (and buying more!). Who doesn't love a little retail therapy, within reason of course?!

That "what if?" has been in the back of my mind over these past few months. What if we just somehow get pregnant during these next few months? Wouldn't that be ironic, since we have paid for over half of the cost for our next cycle?! But then the logical side of my brain tells me to get real because I couldn't get pregnant without medication when I "naturally" conceived back in February 2012. I have heard about and read about women who have had this happen. I would feel so very blessed if it did, but I know that hanging onto this hope may lead to just as much stress, anxiety, and disappointment as all of our past failed treatment cycles have. So, for now, I have decided I am not going to go crazy eliminating "toxic" things from my diet and adding anything but all of the vitamins I have previously taken. I am invested in the process, but I personally won't go further than eliminating alcohol, caffeine, and exercise (which I have been told are the most significant relative to my current lifestyle) as we approach our next cycle. I applaud the women who try this naturally by overhauling their lifestyle by eliminating things such as fluoride, gluten, sugar, dairy, etc, but I would be a very unpleasant person if I did that, and I know myself, my husband and my coworkers (and patients!) would very much appreciate me not doing that!

So for now, I am working my tail off, enjoying my coffee and beer/wine, retail therapy, and high intensity exercise and patiently waiting for October to arrive when all the fun begins again! Hopefully there will be a baby (or 2) as a result at the end this time around!!