"When you leave here pregnant, you won't look at all of this as sperm and an egg...you'll see things differently." These are words my reproductive doctor used during our most recent consultation last week. "When..." It is only one word, but that one single word is giving me some hope. He didn't say "if" or "maybe." I have hung onto those words.
We had debated getting a second opinion from another physician or reproductive group and actually have an appointment scheduled, as we had assumed we would not be satisfied with my current physician's next plan of attack in our journey. But this is not the case. Our appointment began similar to the last two times we have consulted with him, or as I like to refer to it: going to the principle's office. I think of it this way because only those patients who have no success with the treatment regimen or have complications actually have to see him, otherwise all communication is via his nurse assistant and nurse practitioner. As the conversation continued, he told me I have "some bad markers" for a woman my age. Yes, yes, we have been over this. I know this already. But as the conversation moved on, he provided us with detailed information for what he would suggest us doing next. Much more detail than I had expected, and he answered my laundry list of questions. I don't feel like he gave us false hope, but he did send me away feeling hopeful. I almost made it out of the office without crying. One of these times I am determined to do this. There's just something about being there and having these conversations that doesn't allow me to keep my eyes dry. What brought tears to my eyes this visit were words I think I needed to hear from him: "You aren't here because you did anything wrong...nothing you did or didn't do put you in this situation..." This went on a bit more but the rest of the specifics are a blur. Of course I knew this deep down, but at times I do question if anything I have done could have caused this? Stress? Medication? But I finally heard what I needed to from the person that, in my eyes, really makes it count. I think this, in combination with his other positive words, smile and comforting side hug with the comments "stay positive" as I left, is what told me we are in the right place and we have chosen the right doctor. I know there are still many things that could go wrong or fail to work, but we know the next step is worth trying. I've gone from, one month ago, feeling like all is hopeless for us to ever have a baby to now again having hope. I will stay hopeful and keep positive thoughts that the next step will work, but if it doesn't I know we will keep moving on to do what we have to in order to have a baby.
The stakes keep getting higher but so do our chances of finally having a baby. I am putting my trust in the process and in this doctor and will follow his lead. For now, it will be back to business as usual. All of the mixed information from different sources about diet and exercise are out the window. I look forward to getting back to bootcamp and regular exercise. No more of this half-ass low intensity stuff or using all of this as an excuse to not exercise. Bootcamp at the gym and regular exercise keep my stress in check and get rid of emotional baggage, so I look forward to resuming that again! Deadlifts, here I come!
And for now I will keep hearing those words in my head "when you are pregnant" and use them as motivation.
